Today I had a mind blown kinda moment.
One where I realized on a cellular level, that it was indeed my own beliefs, at the source of my struggle with money. Now I know we always say that, at least in the online self help community, most of us intellectually have the knowledge that we have a big part in creating our reality, and if we keep seeing a pattern in our lives, we need to do the deeper work to look into it. But when you have that realization in the moment, as you are doing the thing, and you feel it coming from somewhere in your deep inner knowing, that something that you have thought is one way for so long, then come to find out, it’s a totally different way, THAT is the true embodiment of a realization.
It happened to me today after one of my many, many online money courses I. have taken, but this one “hit” a bit different. The women who leads it comes from a nervous system/trauma sensitive approach, she leads it from a body based way vs. a mindset way. I have take a few courses with her prior and one this she always says is “story follows state”, meaning its your nervous system and emotions that create your “story” aka your thoughts about a certain situation, yourself, or life in general. So in order to heal your relationship around money, you need to address the state of your nervous system.
But here is the breakthrough moment…. towards the end of the training, we started discussing attachment styles, and she said something that went a little like this.. “money is always trying to support you, it is always trying to be there for you, we attach so much of our own baggage to money but really it is an innocent bystander… ” yes I agree with this, money is neutral… but then….
“Think of all the times you have had no money, like zero, and then you get more, think of all the times you have spent everything, then more comes, think of all the times you have wasted your money on silly things, but yet , it still keeps coming back… money may be your most secure attachment relationship you have in your life, but you don’t realize it”
Hmmm money is my most secure attached relationship? Well that seems impossible…. but yet I leaned into it. Yes I have always made more money, job or no job. Yes money has always come back to me, after I spent it, yes money does just show up to be a resource to me with no real strings attached. The strings come from people’s views on money , not so much on money itself. Money is neutral, and money is always showing up for me, even when I talk badly about it, treat is badly, don’t honor it, spend it all carelessly,…. it keeps showing up for me.
Then I looked down at my coffee, money allows me to buy these coffees. I usually will get a coffee in the afternoon every day. The pattern started after college when I moved across the country and had no friends in my new city. I would make it my primary outing of the day some days, sit in a nice cafe, chat with the barista, it started to fill a void of loneliness and offered me connection. These coffees at times have been a life ring, a point I could rally myself for when times were tough. So many coffees, so many cafes, so much loneliness, so much sadness, so few people I could count on, so much shame and guilt for just being me, so much fear and anxiety around relationships with people, so much feeling unsafe in my body….. but yet, always enough money for a coffee, a connection, a sense of warmth and belonging.
I burst into tears. I use money to get these coffees, for all these years, money has been showing up for me, whether I saw it or not. It has been aiding me in buying these simple coffees, this simple pleasure that brought me connection and love all these years. Money has been behind it. Money does love me. I’m the one that doesn’t love money. I’m the one that thinks money is not enough, that money just comes and goes, that money doesn’t stick around when I need it, that money doesn’t want to be in my life. and that I just somehow don’t really deserve money. Those are all my believes that I have put on money, when the reality is, money is just always showing up for me, with a warm coffee in hand, saying “here you go, I know this helps you through you day, so I got it for you”. Even after all my abuse, trash talking and mistrust, money is still here.
They say money in a relationship, and the energy you put into it is just like any other relationship, it needs to be reciprocal, loving and secure. An important thing about a breakthrough is the integration period afterwards, an “AH HA” moment only gets you so far.
So stay tuned to see where my relationship with money goes…..